Alt Text: Diary of a Dino-Smuggler
A Tyrannosaurus skeleton recently sold at auction for just over a million dollars, leading to two secondary effects. First, I added “awesome dinosaur skeleton” to my “What I Would I Buy If I Had Just Over a Million Dollars” list. Secondly, Mongolia complained.
You see, this particular Tyrannosaurus species has only been found in Mongolia, and Mongolia prohibits export of its dead prehistoric lizardlike bird-ancestors, so ipso facto alohomora, this is a black-market tyrant lizard.
Side note: There is some dispute in the scientific community over whether this creature, Tarbosaurus bataar, is actually a cousin species of Tyrannosaurus rex, or if it was, in the words of noted palentologist Erich Falschennamen, “just biting T. rex‘s style.”
Side side note: Detailed studies of its teeth indicate that, rather than biting,Tarbosaurus bataar probably swallowed styles whole.
The point is that the skeleton of whatever sort of huge-headed, tiny-armed carnivore we’re talking about was probably smuggled out of the country. This brings up a lot of questions about political sovereignty and its relationship to scientific research and private ownership.
A lot of boring questions.
Instead, I’m going to answer a much more interesting question: How the hell do you smuggle an entire massive dinosaur skeleton out of a country?
Luckily I was able to acquire the diary of one of the dino-smugglers. I acquired it mainly by writing it myself, so I have complete confidence in the source. Excerpts follow.
April 5: We have acquired the specimen. After some discussion, we decided to stow it in Chuluun’s pool house. This required draining the pool, then removing the wall and part of the roof, then promising beer and pizza to 300 old college buddies to help us move it.
April 18: We have found an auction house to sell it for us. Now we just need to get it out of Mongolia and to New York. Dambadorj suggested we cover it in cheap plaster, put a statue of Jesus next to it and pretend we’re just delivering an exhibit to a creationist museum in Kansas. Chuluun suggested we put it in a very large condom and pay some tourist to swallow it. Ochirbat suggested we disassemble it. We went to the local hardware store, but they don’t have any dinosaur-disassembly tools in stock. They offered to special-order them for us, but we don’t have time; the auction is in just over a month.
April 20: After much discussion, we have decided to cover the skeleton in a tarp, put it in the back of Chuluun’s dually and just drive it into Russia. I only hope we can find someone working for the Russian government who’s willing to take a bribe.
April 21: Apparently Craigslist Russia has a “Government Bribes — Offered” section.
April 23: After sifting through the mail, we settled on a customs agent named Ivan who’s willing to wave us through for a case of fermented mare’s milk and a naked picture of Chuluun’s sister. Chuluun objected that he doesn’t have any naked pictures of his sister. We explained that the rest of us do.
April 28: We managed to get over the border with the help of Ivan. He also suggested that when we get to Moscow, we talk to his sister Kristina, who knows a guy named Anton who can help us. Man, these Russians have weird names.
May 1: We’re running out of time. Most airlines out of Russia only allow stolen dinosaur skeletons as carry-ons, so we’re going to have to take an alternate route to New York. Dambadorj suggested we head to the coast and go by ship. Ochirbat suggested we charter a dirigible. Chuluun suggested we expose the skeleton to radiation so that it will immediately head to New York in order to destroy it. Then he withdrew his suggestion on the grounds that it might head to Tokyo instead. We’re going with the boat.
May 17: We are nearing America. I only hope we can find someone in the New York Longshoreman’s Union who’s willing to take a bribe.
May 18: We were surprised to learn that in the United States, fermented mare’s milk is not considered proper bribery material, and Chuluun’s sister is old news. So our skeleton is stuck at the docks.
May 19: Success! We visited Manhattan’s “little Mongolia” neighborhood and were able to find any number of people from the old country who haven’t had a taste of decent fermented mare’s milk in decades. “The mares here are different,” they say. “It doesn’t have that real horse flavor.” We were able to sell enough to bribe the longshoremen, the customs agents, the Port Authority, and a surprisingly adventurous bus driver, and we had enough left over for 200 yards of bungee cords.
May 21: Our skeleton sold for $1.05 million American! We get half of that, which comes to about 230 million tugrik each! Well, except for Chuluun, who opted for 300 million tugrik in trade credit instead. He says we wants to buy “one of those flappy dinosaurs with the poky beaks.” I think he means a pterosaur, but knowing Chuluun, he could be thinking of a saber-toothed tiger.
Born helpless, naked and unable to provide for himself, Lore Sjöberg overcame these handicaps to become a зохиолч, a зураач and a завхай.
You see, this particular Tyrannosaurus species has only been found in Mongolia, and Mongolia prohibits export of its dead prehistoric lizardlike bird-ancestors, so ipso facto alohomora, this is a black-market tyrant lizard.
Side note: There is some dispute in the scientific community over whether this creature, Tarbosaurus bataar, is actually a cousin species of Tyrannosaurus rex, or if it was, in the words of noted palentologist Erich Falschennamen, “just biting T. rex‘s style.”
Side side note: Detailed studies of its teeth indicate that, rather than biting,Tarbosaurus bataar probably swallowed styles whole.
The point is that the skeleton of whatever sort of huge-headed, tiny-armed carnivore we’re talking about was probably smuggled out of the country. This brings up a lot of questions about political sovereignty and its relationship to scientific research and private ownership.
A lot of boring questions.
Instead, I’m going to answer a much more interesting question: How the hell do you smuggle an entire massive dinosaur skeleton out of a country?
Luckily I was able to acquire the diary of one of the dino-smugglers. I acquired it mainly by writing it myself, so I have complete confidence in the source. Excerpts follow.
April 5: We have acquired the specimen. After some discussion, we decided to stow it in Chuluun’s pool house. This required draining the pool, then removing the wall and part of the roof, then promising beer and pizza to 300 old college buddies to help us move it.
April 18: We have found an auction house to sell it for us. Now we just need to get it out of Mongolia and to New York. Dambadorj suggested we cover it in cheap plaster, put a statue of Jesus next to it and pretend we’re just delivering an exhibit to a creationist museum in Kansas. Chuluun suggested we put it in a very large condom and pay some tourist to swallow it. Ochirbat suggested we disassemble it. We went to the local hardware store, but they don’t have any dinosaur-disassembly tools in stock. They offered to special-order them for us, but we don’t have time; the auction is in just over a month.
April 20: After much discussion, we have decided to cover the skeleton in a tarp, put it in the back of Chuluun’s dually and just drive it into Russia. I only hope we can find someone working for the Russian government who’s willing to take a bribe.
April 21: Apparently Craigslist Russia has a “Government Bribes — Offered” section.
April 23: After sifting through the mail, we settled on a customs agent named Ivan who’s willing to wave us through for a case of fermented mare’s milk and a naked picture of Chuluun’s sister. Chuluun objected that he doesn’t have any naked pictures of his sister. We explained that the rest of us do.
April 28: We managed to get over the border with the help of Ivan. He also suggested that when we get to Moscow, we talk to his sister Kristina, who knows a guy named Anton who can help us. Man, these Russians have weird names.
May 1: We’re running out of time. Most airlines out of Russia only allow stolen dinosaur skeletons as carry-ons, so we’re going to have to take an alternate route to New York. Dambadorj suggested we head to the coast and go by ship. Ochirbat suggested we charter a dirigible. Chuluun suggested we expose the skeleton to radiation so that it will immediately head to New York in order to destroy it. Then he withdrew his suggestion on the grounds that it might head to Tokyo instead. We’re going with the boat.
May 17: We are nearing America. I only hope we can find someone in the New York Longshoreman’s Union who’s willing to take a bribe.
May 18: We were surprised to learn that in the United States, fermented mare’s milk is not considered proper bribery material, and Chuluun’s sister is old news. So our skeleton is stuck at the docks.
May 19: Success! We visited Manhattan’s “little Mongolia” neighborhood and were able to find any number of people from the old country who haven’t had a taste of decent fermented mare’s milk in decades. “The mares here are different,” they say. “It doesn’t have that real horse flavor.” We were able to sell enough to bribe the longshoremen, the customs agents, the Port Authority, and a surprisingly adventurous bus driver, and we had enough left over for 200 yards of bungee cords.
May 21: Our skeleton sold for $1.05 million American! We get half of that, which comes to about 230 million tugrik each! Well, except for Chuluun, who opted for 300 million tugrik in trade credit instead. He says we wants to buy “one of those flappy dinosaurs with the poky beaks.” I think he means a pterosaur, but knowing Chuluun, he could be thinking of a saber-toothed tiger.
Born helpless, naked and unable to provide for himself, Lore Sjöberg overcame these handicaps to become a зохиолч, a зураач and a завхай.
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